Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
