Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize