fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
