I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
