I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
