Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
