I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
