So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Bring me that man meat
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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