I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Two words: nipple clamps
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