I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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