i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i used baking grease as lip gloss
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize