the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
someone owes me an orgasm
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
