i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
