that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is my gift to your gina
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
