Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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