Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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