it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
