a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
