I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
