I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
