How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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