He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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