She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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