toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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