I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
