On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
