I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
