so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Operation Purity has been aborted
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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