We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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