Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize