I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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