Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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