remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
