Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
