He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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