thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
