This is not my ceiling
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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