Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
