you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
