Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So vagazzling was a success
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
