I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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