Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
