Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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