I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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