I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Someone signed my nipple.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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