Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
