textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
