i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
