you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
