Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
