I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
