never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
