Welp...herpes.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
