I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize