whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just pee around me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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