How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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