I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
