We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
