my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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