Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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