I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's get the cat blown out
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
