It was confusing and full of hummus
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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